Fearful Avoidant Traits: 7 More Traits (Part 2)

Attachment style is one of the most important things to examine when healing trauma and equally important when navigating and fostering successful, fulfilling relationships in our lives, especially romantic relationships. Different attachment styles have different subconscious 'rules' for relationships regarding behavior and expectations. It is easy to see how not having an understanding for what these may be if, for instance, we have a partner with a different attachment style, can lead to hurt, disappointment, frustration, and misunderstandings. Having an understanding for your partner's attachment style is important as well as having an understanding for your own to learn what pain points you have to heal in relationships and life and become securely attached. In this post, I discuss seven more traits in addition to the traits discussed in part 1. At the end of this blog post, you will find my YouTube video Fearful Avoidant Traits: 7 more Traits (Part 2)

Continuing with part 2 of traits of a fearful avoidant. Here are 7 more traits.

Trait #1: A need for novelty. Now, this can show up in a healthy way or an unhealthy way and the difference will be in if that fearful avoidant is unhealed and has a subconscious comfort zone of chaos. Let’s first talk about the 2 main reasons that fearful avoidants crave novelty. Reason number one is because often, in childhood, there was a lack. It shows up as a lack of freedom. It is common for fearful avoidants to grow up in a situation in which they felt restricted by their circumstances. They likely grew up in a situation in which they felt out of control in some way, shape, or form. This could be due to parentification - which, if you are not familiar, is basically a role reversal between a parent and a child. Usually, in this role reversal, the parentified child can be seen taking care of the emotional, mental, or physical well-being of the parent or other siblings instead of getting this support that they needed in this way from the parent. A key phrase that you may hear someone with parentification trauma use is “I had to grow up too fast.” Another situation could be a parent with a personality disorder. In these situations, the child is living in a reality where they are in constant unhealthy cycles with this parent. They usually experience enmeshment trauma which makes it difficult to separate from what is going on around them. Reason number two of why a fearful avoidant has a need for novelty is because of their subconscious comfort zone. A fearful avoidant usually did not grow up feeling peace in their regular experience of the world and an unhealed fearful avoidant often has a subconscious comfort zone of chaos. Now, back to what we were saying about this either showing up in a healthy or unhealthy way. If it is influenced by an unhealed subconscious comfort zone of chaos, it will show up in an unhealthy way. Let’s take a look at an example. This could look like not having staying power at a job and wanting to switch it up before being prepared to leave, causing financial stress and instability. An action like this is a subconscious way of staying in chaos! One of the most important things to remember is that the subconscious mind will always stick to whatever script it has, i.e. stick to what is familiar, until we reprogram. This is why reprogramming is so important! Fearful avoidants will keep a need for novelty after they heal, but as with other kept traits after healing, they will show up in healthier ways. This can show up in a way that enriches the fearful avoidant’s life. They usually aren’t afraid to travel and try new things. They can be amazing entrepreneurs and set off chasing their career dreams. The sky really is the limit for a healed fearful avoidant. 

Trait #2: While they can be very present, they can really, REALLY dislike being too vulnerable. The shame wound is something that the fearful avoidant can have in common with the dismissive avoidant. They may have had neglect ALONG with active trauma in childhood and, remember, the shame wound is often caused by NEGLECT. What can also, maybe even more commonly happen for the fearful avoidant is active shaming in childhood which can also cause the shame wound. For example, if their caregiver is very harsh with their words, this becomes their internal dialogue - something to pay attention to and reprogram later. When it comes to vulnerability, the fearful avoidant can also experience conflicting beliefs and needs. Perhaps they have a high need for emotional connection and they want to connect so they share and then later, they feel like they’ve shared too much and the conflicting beliefs creep in and they get what is known as a ‘vulnerability hangover’ where they feel regret, a lot of shame, and a big mix of bad feelings for deciding to be vulnerable. They may have grown up in a household where, if they were vulnerable, it somehow had consequences. For instance, maybe information was used against them. They may have shared a pain point with a narcissistic parent, for example, and then it was brought up later to suit the narcissistic parent’s need for supply or ‘evidence’ to support an argument they were making. For various reasons, fearful avoidants can come away with beliefs that vulnerability makes them weak, helpless, repulsive, or shameful. They may not be aware of what some of the unconscious beliefs even are, but they emote to this and vulnerability can just feel BAD. Figuring out your SPECIFIC beliefs surrounding vulnerability is the first step to healing this and one step in becoming securely attached.  

Trait #3: The ‘I Am Unworthy’ core wound is very common for fearful avoidants. Now, this can be something that the fearful avoidant is conscious of or they can be completely unconscious to it. They might think to themselves: “Of course I’m worthy of a healthy relationship, or worthy of love, or worthy of career success - everyone is worthy of happiness!” but then, it will show up in their ACTIONS that they, in fact, do have an unworthiness wound. This will show up by always needing to PROVE their worth in situations, always trying to ensure that they are worthy of what they have because there is this subconscious lack of feeling worthy. The unworthiness wound is generally due to faulty programming that they received - either directly or indirectly - in childhood. What does this look like? This could look like overcompensating, making it their priority to go above and beyond sometimes in neglect of their own needs, and only feeling comfortable receiving less that they are giving because the subconscious mind is always trying to equilibrate, so for someone who believes they are unworthy, they feel like this evens out the situation and, remember, we are only able to receive what our subconscious comfort zone allows. One more thing I want to talk about real quick that an unworthiness wound can cause is, when you are doing and doing and going above and beyond at the expense of your own needs and boundaries, the MOMENT someone you are doing this for tells you ‘no’ or is not willing to give what you are giving, which will inevitably happen if you are throwing your needs and boundaries out the window, you will feel very, very offended and resentful. Inside the unhealed fearful avoidant’s mind, it goes a little something like this: “I do all of this for you, I am going to all these lengths. How dare you not do this thing for me when I am doing all of this over here for you.” This is a very common experience for fearful avoidants and they may not realize that at the root of it, this is what is really going on. Resentment is always going to exist where the scale feels greatly imbalanced. When reprogramming the unworthiness core wound, it is great to look at this as a cost in the cost-benefit analysis. In a cost-benefit analysis exercise, you would ask yourself “what is holding onto this belief COSTING me? What HAS it cost me? And what is the BENEFIT of reprogramming and getting this faulty programming out of my life?” The unworthiness core wound costs you in your relationships by taking an emotional toll and a toll on your bond by adding resentment to the relationship. It causes self-abandonment. 

Trait #4: They can display ‘All or Nothing’ thinking patterns. This is a type of thinking pattern that is a cognitive distortion in which someone views something as ‘all good’ or ‘all bad’, as a ‘success’ or a ‘total failure’. It is also known as ‘black and white thinking’. This type of thinking doesn’t leave room for gray areas, i.e. imperfections or mistakes or various circumstances in life. In an anonymized case example, Joe is on a diet. He’s been doing really well but then he eats a candy bar. He then says “Well forget eating healthy now!” and, instead of just having the candy bar as a treat and following more healthy choices in his meals later, he throws his diet out the window and just makes unhealthy decisions the rest of the day. Joe sees this day as a failure when it comes to his healthy eating. It’s interesting because ‘All or Nothing’ thinking mirrors other extreme patterns we see in fearful avoidant attachment style such as the ‘hot and cold’ pattern in relationships. Fearful avoidants deactivate harder than any other attachment style and they can also activate very hard. I will be covering a lot more about this cognitive distortion in future videos, how it comes about, and also how it CAN be specifically related to narcissistic abuse. Now, not EVERYONE with ‘All or Nothing’ thinking patterns has experienced narcissistic abuse, but it is very common that when someone HAS experienced narcissistic abuse, they have this cognitive distortion to heal. 

Trait #5: They have a dysregulated nervous system. This will be one of the most important areas to target when healing fearful avoidant attachment style and becoming securely attached. A dysregulated nervous system can look like not being able to relax or it can appear to the outside world that this person does not know HOW to relax. It can show up as guilt or all kinds of bad feelings when you carve out time to relax in place of other things. It can genuinely not feel good until you rewire your nervous system and reprogram your subconscious comfort zone. So where does a dysregulated nervous system come from? When we experience trauma, especially on an ongoing basis, our nervous system is rewired around this. Let’s say you experienced narcissistic abuse in childhood. Generally, when you experience this type of abuse, there is an ongoing feeling of unsafety. You are often in sympathetic nervous system mode rather than parasympathetic. This wires your nervous system for this to be the norm. Fearful avoidants can also simply experience a level of behavioral expectation that requires them to always be ‘on’, to always feel they have to ‘perform’ in their interpersonal interactions. Perhaps they grew up being taught that unless they walked a certain emotional line in their interactions, their emotions were inappropriate. This inauthenticity to the human experience causes a pressure and expectation to be a certain way and be hyper-aware which also puts the body into sympathetic nervous system mode. You can’t just relax into yourself. Fearful avoidants who hold this way of thinking almost always report feeling drained after too much social interaction, even in relationships they deem to be good relationships in their lives. Another scenario could be simply being around a very dysregulated caregiver. It’s not peaceful and can be downright stressful to be around someone ELSE who can never relax so this will have an affect. To heal your nervous system, you have to put in active effort (you can start small) of being in parasympathetic nervous system mode and allowing your body to learn that this is safe (and good) for this to become your new normal. A fearful avoidant needs to target two things when healing this: the nervous system itself and their specific beliefs that go along with having a dysregulated nervous system, such as “it is selfish to take time to take care of myself and relax” or “I am lazy if I take a day off”. The fearful avoidant may also experience conflicting needs when it comes to relaxation, so it is important to fill your cup for your other needs if you are a fearful avoidant healing this. 

Trait #6: They can have a big need for growth. This basically shows up as anything self-improvement-wise, such as learning about oneself and healing or emotional growth. It can show up often in ANY kind of learning. Fearful avoidants can really love taking classes regarding their interests and perfecting the art of something. Fearful avoidants are very often independent learners - they will research things and have the motivation to work on things on their own. They will really feel like their cups are filled by learning and it can feel like they are missing something when they haven’t been regularly pouring into this cup.

So there are a few reasons why a fearful avoidant can have a big need for growth. The first reason has to do with the unworthiness wound that we talked about earlier in this video. This reasoning can be really unconscious for some fearful avoidants who have it, but it’s this idea that the fearful avoidant will become SAFER the BETTER they become. “The better I become, the safer I am because that will make me worthier.” Another reason that a fearful avoidant can have a big need for growth is that this fills the cup for personal empowerment. Fearful avoidants can have the core wound ‘I Am Helpless’ or ‘I Am Powerless’ and personal empowerment and then looking at ‘How AM I Powerful’ or ‘How Do I Help Myself’ or ‘How Am I in Control of My Life’ is one amazing thing to do for reprogramming this. It is often that a fearful avoidant subconsciously realizes early on that this is a very fulfilling thing to do when it comes to this. Growth also helps meet the need for novelty. Growth is also a huge way of meeting the need for achievement which can be a very big need for fearful avoidants. For instance, Joe is going to the gym and is working on growth in the health and fitness area of his life and seeing the results of consistent, hard work fulfills a big need for achievement for him. 

Trait #7: Passionate. Fearful avoidants are really big feelers. There are many fearful avoidants who have a tough, sometimes fiery exterior, but on the inside they can really feel their emotions and they are generally very passionate about living life, about their relationships, and their experiences. This is often a need to an extent for fearful avoidants in romantic relationships and something they can struggle with or take personally if it feels like it is greatly missing or not being shown enough for instance, if they are in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant. This can be an even bigger struggle if a fearful avoidant has an unhealed subconscious comfort zone of chaos and they will sometimes sabotage relationships by creating conflict. To dive into this a little bit deeper, if a fearful avoidant with a subconscious comfort zone of chaos feels disconnected from their partner, they may unconsciously sabotage by starting conflict because connecting through conflict feels better than not connecting at all or not connecting enough.