All About Attachment Styles Plus 5 Common Traits of Each To Help You Discover Yours!

Starting off with the basics, what exactly is an ‘attachment style’? An attachment style is something that every person has and you can think of it as whatever that person’s subconscious set of rules for relating to others is. It is basically what is ‘normal’ to you in regards to behavior in relationships and coping strategies in relationships and life. For instance, a fearful avoidant’s coping mechanisms for conflict are different from a dismissive avoidant’s.

Our attachment style is originally formed between the age of 6 months and 2 years and it is based upon the relationship we have to our caregivers. We are also heavily programmed throughout childhood, especially up until the age of 8 because our brain waves are highly suggestible up until this age - almost like a sponge absorbing what is around us!

So there are 4 attachment styles - fearful avoidant (also sometimes called anxious-avoidant or disorganized), dismissive avoidant, anxious preoccupied, and securely attached. Now, when we are talking about the 3 insecurely attached styles, the way that they are formed goes back to what happens when a core wound is formed. When the mind cannot make sense of what is going on in a traumatic situation, it gives it meaning. I have come to see in a lot of cases that a lot of this meaning that is assigned is often based on how something makes SOMEONE FEEL. Attachment styles are programmed into the subconscious mind the way that our beliefs are (because it is basically a set of beliefs), whether that ends up being good, i.e. securely attached with ‘good enough’ parenting or insecurely attached with the type being based upon the wounds and trauma from the type of parenting they received. The set of beliefs of our attachment style is reality as we know it in regards to relationships.

Now, obviously at 6 months to 2 years of age and in childhood, the brain does not have the capacity to understand, for instance, that they have a neglectful parent. Instead, the brain makes it mean SOMETHING ABOUT THEM. Children are egocentric - they cannot understand that the world does not revolve around them because they do not have the capacity. This is SURVIVAL-RELATED! This is the natural perspective to get their survival needs met by their primary caregivers! Children MUST believe that they have capable caregivers because their survival hinges on it. For all these reasons, if their needs are NOT met, they make it mean something about them. We can see this, for example, in the dismissive avoidant attachment style which is the style formed mostly from NEGLECT. If a child is not getting their emotional needs met, they can form a shame wound and come away with the belief (i.e. ‘core wound’) of ‘Something Is Wrong With Me’ which is one of the biggest core wounds of the dismissive avoidant. They form this wound because the mind makes sense of the situation by concluding that if they have emotional needs that constantly get neglected by caregivers, there must be something wrong with them for having these needs and it forms the shame wound.

So, what is your attachment style? Here are 5 common characteristics of each attachment style.

1. Number 1 - The Fearful Avoidant. Characteristic number one for fearful avoidants: This is the attachment style associated with the largest amount of trauma. Now, examples of this can include growing up with emotional and physical abuse, growing up with a caregiver or someone very close to you with a personality disorder such as BPD or NPD, experiencing sexual abuse, having a caregiver or someone very close in childhood with substance abuse issues, coming from a home environment where there was a lot of fighting and chaos, seeing a parent cheat, having a caregiver who was unpredictable or had a lot of emotional highs and lows, being parentified and having to shoulder too much responsibility or being made to feel guilty with an emotionally struggling parent. It can also include what could be considered smaller, repetitive traumas on a very regular basis such as consistent boundary issues with a parent. These are just some examples, but this is going to be the attachment style that is most common if an individual has experienced higher levels of or more trauma. Characteristic number 2 for fearful avoidants: It is very common for this attachment style to have the ‘I Cannot Trust/I Will Be Betrayed’ core wound. Now why is this? Usually, because of the way that a fearful avoidant has grown up, there was some form of betrayal in childhood whether it be mistreatment or something that was witnessed and then it makes sense right? Because it stands to reason “If I cannot trust my caregivers, how can I trust anyone?” Characteristic number three for fearful avoidants: They often have the most core wounds. Because of the larger amount of trauma associated with this attachment style, they most commonly have the most core wounds out of the attachment styles. Another reason for this is because fearful avoidants share some of the wounds and coping mechanisms of both the anxious preoccupied AND the dismissive avoidant which brings me to the next characteristic. Characteristic number four for fearful avoidants: They quite often swing from anxious to dismissive and dismissive to anxious and have both sides, making them share some wounds and coping mechanisms with anxious preoccupieds and dismissive avoidants. That is why they are sometimes referred to as anxious-avoidant attachments and disorganized attachments. That is what is seen often and you can sometimes see a fearful avoidant right in the middle of the spectrum on that with equal dismissive and anxious qualities. But another thing can happen and that brings me to characteristic number five: Fearful avoidants can ‘lean’ either dismissive or anxious. For instance, a fearful avoidant who leans dismissive will be predominantly fearful avoidant and share a lot of characteristics with a dismissive avoidant. There will be some differences that still show they are fearful avoidant. For example, you generally will not see a dismissive avoidant display a lot of volatility. So in a fearful avoidant, you could see this plus, as an example, maybe a deep fear of vulnerability which is something that is ALSO one of a dismissive avoidant’s biggest wounds so you would see that they are fearful avoidant leaning dismissive. Sometimes, when a fearful avoidant leans anxious, in the beginning of their healing journey when they’re first learning about everything, they mistakenly THINK that they are anxious preoccupied and it’s only later that they find out after learning more that they are actually fearful avoidant. But a fearful avoidant leaning anxious can have such a strong anxious side that it can feel like they are anxious preoccupied.

2. Number 2 - The Dismissive Avoidant. Characteristic number one for the dismissive avoidant: This is the attachment style that most often comes from NEGLECT. Now, this factor of a dismissive avoidant’s childhood can actually be hard to spot for some dismissive avoidants because many dismissive avoidants would not recognize their childhood as ‘neglectful’. Many times, they may even describe it as ideal. Especially if there was not outright chaos and physical needs were met, emotional neglect can kind of fly under the radar sometimes. Characteristic number two of the dismissive avoidant: Slow to warm up. They can come off as ‘cold’ at first upon meeting someone and they are very slow to be vulnerable in relationships. Why is this? This is because the dismissive avoidant learned early on that vulnerability hurts so as an adult, they avoid it. Characteristic number three of the dismissive avoidant: The shame wound. One of the dismissive avoidant’s biggest core wounds is ‘I Am Defective/Something is Wrong with Me’. Shame makes us want to HIDE. This is the reason behind many of the dismissive avoidant’s actions such as avoiding vulnerability, often needing time alone (though that is not the only reason), being slow to warm up, etc. Characteristic number four for the dismissive avoidant: Slow to or hesitant to commit. This is the attachment style that is generally more comfortable moving slowest in relationships. For instance, an anxious preoccupied could be ready to commit to someone in a few weeks whereas a dismissive avoidant might be more comfortable with six months to really take the time to get to know someone and see if that person is a good fit for THEM. Characteristic number five for the dismissive avoidant: Conflict avoidant. Some of the dismissive avoidant’s greatest needs in a romantic relationship are harmony, lightheartedness, peace, etc. They generally were not shown a roadmap for conflict in childhood and their coping mechanisms for conflict can include stonewalling, shutting down, avoiding, and fleeing (the flight trauma response).

3. Number 3 - The Anxious Preoccupied. Characteristic number one for the anxious preoccupied: One of their biggest core wounds is the abandonment wound or the ‘I Will Be Abandoned/I Will Be Alone’ core wound. Now, this is something very much shared for MANY unhealed fearful avoidants and this is one of the biggest reasons that some fearful avoidants mistaken themselves for anxious preoccupied upon first learning about attachment styles because this wound can be so strong and so painful. The AP’s ‘I will Be Abandoned’ core wound comes from either inconsistency (i.e. one parent was a good parent but maybe they worked a lot and they were there and they were attentive when they were there and then they were absent so it was inconsistent attentiveness) or it comes from real or perceived abandonment. Characteristic number two for the anxious preoccupied: They are often very warm, likable, and friendly people upon first meeting them. Generally, in their relationships and social interactions, anxious preoccupied’s are PREOCCUPIED with how they are received, if people like them, how their interactions go and they are the attachment style that likes proximity to their partner so even if this attachment style is triggered, they overall are most likely to conduct themselves in a way that aims to maintain this proximity. Characteristic number three for the anxious preoccupied: They commonly have the trauma response of ‘fawning’. Now, we talked about how dismissive avoidants often avoid conflict by ‘fleeing’. The trauma responses include fight, flight, freeze, and fawn and this last one is what you often see in anxious preoccupied’s. Why is this? An AP often WANTS to address conflict, but they will walk on eggshells in order to avoid abandonment. This is also a way of noting a difference between an anxious preoccupied and a fearful avoidant. Because while they both can share a strong abandonment wound, a fearful avoidant is generally NOT afraid of conflict and it is common for the fearful avoidant to have some volatility that you will not see in anxious preoccupieds. Characteristic number four for the anxious preoccupied: They often have the relationship expectation of ‘My Partner Should Soothe My Emotions’. An anxious preoccupied is not programmed to self-soothe. In childhood, they had a caregiver that would soothe their emotions inconsistently. They came to rely on that soothing and then felt abandoned when that caregiver would leave or was inconsistent for periods of time so we can see how this reliance and fear of abandonment is literally a deeply-wired part of an anxious preoccupieds subconscious comfort zone and program that kind of plays on repeat. Characteristic number five for the anxious preoccupied: They can have attention or approval-seeking behaviors and sometimes clinginess as behavioral coping mechanisms when triggered in their relationships. An example of this could be if they cannot get ahold of a partner so they call that partner multiple times compulsively, even knowing that this could be against their better judgment. Now, if you are an AP and this is you, recognize that this behavior is not your fault. It is a trauma response and all of this can be healed!

4. Number 4 - The Securely Attached. Characteristic number one for the securely attached: This is the attachment style that grew up in a household where there was enough consistency, presence, love, and safety. Nothing is perfect, but there was enough of this stability and meeting of these important needs to create a stable, secure attachment to primary caregivers. Characteristic number two for the securely attached: Securely-attached individuals CAN still have core wounds but they will have much less and they will be less frequent and less intense. It is common for the securely attached’s core wounds to be more situational in nature and limited to more specific experiences and not showing up in as many facets of their lives as the other attachment styles. Characteristic number three: They have a healthy relationship to their boundaries. A securely attached individual usually grows up in a household where boundaries were taught to be a good thing. How does this happen? Boundaries usually got their needs met and there wasn’t punishment or dismissal. There was healthy room for them and respect and because of the lack of negative backlash and the good outcome, they have hardwired beliefs about boundaries that allow them to easily set them. Boundaries were a normal part of life in their household. Characteristic number four for the securely attached: The relationship need for resolution of problems with healthy solutions. Securely attached individuals have learned healthy conflict skills growing up and their coping mechanisms during conflict generally include communication and identifying and actioning their needs. Characteristic number five of the securely attached: They are generally stable and emotionally balanced. This attachment style feels negative emotions less frequently as a byproduct of less core wounds and painful thought patterns.

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